Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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