I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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