I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
