I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
