I wish my penis had an off switch
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
