The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
