even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
