a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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