They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
