I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
