I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
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All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize