I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
