Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
