she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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