I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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