finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
