I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize