Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
