best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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