I am in a vortex of obligation.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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