I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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