turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
