see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
