Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
