I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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