i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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