I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
