So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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