So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
