yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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