I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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