No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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