dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
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I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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