I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
