when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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