I think my fart just growled at me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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