Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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