I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
