New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
