So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
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I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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