The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
