life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
