I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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