then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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