if i can run in heels then i can drive
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Who died my cat blue again?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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