Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
