i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
