I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
