i love accidental penises.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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