You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
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He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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