Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
