put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
