Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
