I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
