so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
