My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
