Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
